I've been debating how to talk about this for a while now. I don't want to come off insensitive or hardened, but it has really been weighing on me. First, let me apologize if you have asked me "How are you?" and I've avoided the question or gone completely MIA. The truth is, I don't know how to answer you. Often, I don't even know how to answer the question myself. Here's a few reasons why.

I struggle with how I am. I'm filled with joy, but I'm also battling fear. I'm stressed, but also trying to be calm. I'm broken hearted, but also happy to be so blessed. Most of my feelings are very multi faceted and just responding "I'm doing well" or "good" doesn't seem appropriate.
When I'm completely and totally falling apart and that question comes my way....then I get really stuck. I hate to complain or place my struggles on others so often I just don't answer because I don't want to lie, but I also just don't want to share.
Sometimes I don't want to talk about my feelings and I miss talking with people without them worrying about me. I miss normalcy. I miss having conversations that aren't about the tragedies going on in our life.
I'm afraid to scare you off. The few times that someone has asked "How are you?" and I've answered honestly in need of a conversation and a way to get my feelings out, they run the opposite direction. I often get no response and so it's easier just not to answer at all.
I question myself and feel guilty when I'm actually doing ok. Sometimes when I am feeling happy and good and I've separated myself for a moment from the chaos I begin to question everything. I constantly remind myself that it is ok to feel happiness and calm and joy, but this is the web of life I am caught in. Constant questioning.

Please don't think for a moment that I don't appreciate your asking. I know that it is coming from a good place. I still would love to hear from you, but let's have a conversation about your life or the weather or even about what's coming up this week. I don't mind answering questions about what is to come for Caden or how our appointments went. I just don't always know how I am so please forgive me if I stumble around that one!

Also, please don't forget that Tori is still here! I'm not going away just because our life is going down a new path. I still want to hear about your day and what's going on in your life!! I still want you to talk to me when you are struggling or having a bad day! I don't want to compare situations. I just want to share life. I want to talk to you, my friends, and remind myself that life is still moving! I love you and you matter to me <3

Going through a valley season is messy. We feel confused and hurt and often want to just curl up into a ball and hide. It isn't the prettiest time in our life. As difficult as things have been though, there is one beautiful thing I am learning through this journey. Grace always wins.

I have had moments of anger, disappointment, grief, stress, worry, and defeat. I've questioned and I've cried. I've prayed and I've worshipped. I find myself having moments of complete and total peace followed by moments of complete and total wreckage, but what I find at the end of every moment is grace. God's grace is unfailing, all knowing, complete understanding. He waits through my moments of anger for that quiet moment to whisper His promises and remind me that I'm not alone and this is not my battle.

He washes over my worry and stress and reminds me that it is in peace that I will find the answers not chaos.

He brings comfort as my chest shakes through sobs and reminds me of the miracles He has already unfolded in my life.

When my human heart is shattered and my faith is shaky it is grace that builds me up to move mountains and smile through the tears.

I am just one big beautiful mess because His love courses through my veins. I don't have to have it figured out or put together all the time.