The rain is pouring and you catch yourself from falling by grasping the counter staring as each drop fiercely pelts the ground. It's as if time has slowed around you and each drop is amplified, pounding the beat of your broken heart scattered all across the concrete. You stare, willing yourself to breath...inhale, exhale and repeat.What is normally an involuntary action now takes so much energy. You check for your pulse. Is your heart still beating? The emptiness feels like it's crushing your lungs. You never knew emptiness could be so heavy.Your thoughts circle like angry bees. The buzzing is almost deafening. "Did I make the right decisions? What could I have changed? Who would he be now? Can I even go on?" It takes every ounce of strength to merely hold your body up on that counter and you silently whisper, practically beg, "Hold it together. You have to breathe." A frail whimper exits your body and your chest convulses with sobs. One more inhale and an angry wipe of the hot tears you barely realized were soaking your face and you pull yourself up. This is grief.
It is a battle that most fight silently, but for those who spend our lives developing others, it's an angry internal war. The altruistic soul never wants to impose her grief on someone else. She would rather keep all of the pain inside and watch it eat her alive than to pass on that pain to another. She desires to help with her whole being. She wants to turn her pain into inspiration. She doesn't want them to see her break so she stands firm. Don't misread, she is strong. She isn't hiding. This is in her very nature, and often, she doesn't even realize that she's doing it. The problem is, an inner part of her soul is screaming "Someone notice me! I'm not ok. I'm broken. I'm shattered." It is begging for someone, anyone, to reach out and say "I see you and I'm here" but there she stands at the window weeping and no one will ever know how deeply she is hurting.
The problem is, the altruistic soul doesn't actually know how to ask for help. She types the message "Today is hard...." delete. "My soul is shattered...." delete. "Could you come sit with me?..." delete. She doesn't want to impose so she inhales deeply and moves on. And if she does open up to talk about her brokenness you can bet she won't dwell there for long so talk to her in that moment and remind her that she is helping herself and in turn helping others by expressing herself.
Here is what she wants you to know. It's hard. It's lonely and it's hard to hold all her grief in. She misses you. She misses the connections and interactions with people, but sometimes the weight is too much to bear. She's afraid, afraid that if she shares her grief she will scare someone or hurt someone. She is sorry, sorry she is no longer the friend you once knew. She's confused and trying to make the pieces of her life fit again. She's struggling. She feels inadequate to help others and that makes her hurt even worse because it is her entire existence, it's what she lives for. She questions everything.
Remind her that she's allowed to be broken and that she doesn't have to follow some unwritten rule book of grief because anyone who has experienced it knows there isn't one. Altruistic souls often feel the deep desire to please those around them. Remind her that the only way to please those who matter is to take care of herself. Remind her that she is a good mother, friend, teacher, helper, and that grief doesn't get to change that. Remind her that she does still have a purpose and that she can take her grief and create something beautiful. Remind her that she DOES have the strength to take all the tattered threads of her life and weave a brand new exquisite tapestry with more depth and meaning than the one before.
Check in on her. Don't give up on her. She may not respond, often she won't know what to say (again, afraid to hurt or disappoint you) but don't stop. To show her that you really care ask her about her heart. Let her be free to express her feelings. Check in on her when you notice she's quiet. It means the world to her that you notice her absence because she would notice yours. Remember the difficult days and let her know you remembered them. Don't be afraid to remind her because you're not. It's always on her mind. Ask her to share a memory or share one of your own and watch her eyes light up as she shares such beautiful times in her life with you.
And most importantly, tell her. Tell her how she's impacted your life. Tell her that her grief isn't for nothing. Share how her loved one touched you and changed you. It is music to an altruistic soul's ears to hear any words of how her story has inspired or improved your life. How were you made better by her sharing? How are you growing because of her choices? How are you choosing love and joy? Anytime you are thinking of her, tell her. There is nothing more meaningful to her.
All hope is not lost for the altruistic soul. The more she hears of how her story is touching lives, the more she will share. And the more she shares, the more she will heal. Altruistic souls may heal differently than other's but their healing is as beautiful as the slow opening of a new spring flower. The one you watched droop and almost die, but then slowly the stem grew stronger until it finally budded. Out bloomed the most vividly colored flower that was somehow even more beautiful because of the adversity. And just like the seeds of that flower so will the seeds of joy from the altruistic soul spread and bloom to create more vividly colored lives.
Watch her, as she sees how she can still love and help others through her grief the corners of her mouth with start to turn upward and a small twinkle will reappear in her eye. She will pick her head up and look out that window into the rainstorm only to spot the wildly vivid new flower that is being beaten by the drops but refuses to give in. It stands tall and shines like the brightest light in the greyest of days and she too will choose to bloom. Because of you, she will rise. She will be that flower in a rainstorm and choose joy over sorrow. That joy will know no bounds and her soul will slowly heal with each life that sparkles a little brighter because of it.