Caden was born right after Easter so we put together an Easter basket for him and stored it in the closet to open with him after surgery. I remember coming home after he passed away and finding it. It almost brought me to my knees. My dad was still here and he said to me "You are going to find things that make you sad." Today was another one of those days.
I was out running errands and had to go to the baby store. When you lose your baby, one of the last places you want to go is the baby store. I remember walking around there picking things up for him when I was pregnant with so much hope for his little life. Going back there today brought waves of nausea and I had to choke back the tears the whole time. The deafening screams of "your baby is gone" were coming from every corner. Every crib I'd touched, every outfit he'd never wear, every high chair he'd never need. "Peace" I whispered to myself as I finished up and left.
In the car, I was scouring through A's diaper bag in search of something, I stumbled upon the straps I had to keep with me for Caden's non stress tests while I was pregnant. Yes, Dad, 2 months later and I still found a thing that made me sad. Every now and then those things pop up and it hits hard. I sat in the parking lot and cried for a few minutes and once again whispered "peace" to myself. It's a coping mechanism I developed after being a victim of a bombing while on a mission trip to Uganda. I was riddled with anxiety upon my return home and every ounce of my body craved peace so I began to remind myself that I WAS filled with peace. A peace that transcends all understanding.
Human peace is easily wrecked, but the peace of God is indestructible and incomprehensible. God does not give us a spirit of fear, fear comes to destroy, but He gives us a spirit of love and power and sound mind. He brings calmness because in Him is complete peace from our troubles. He holds the victory and no problem of this life can compete with the joy of eternity. During my pregnancy I remember feeling that peace wash over me again like a wave and I somehow knew that no matter how bad things got it would be ok. I left my cares at the cross and allowed that peace to flood my soul. It doesn't make sense that peace should be what I feel, but that is the peace of the Lord.
I often think of myself as Peter, frightened and unsure, as Jesus stands on the waters in front of me. He beckons me to come but I'm afraid, afraid of sinking in the middle of the storm that is my life while everyone on the boat watches. I think on my hurts, my fears, and my questions. The thoughts begin swirling in my mind and the weight begins to pull me down, but when I fix my eyes on Jesus, with his arms stretched wide, everything else fades. I begin to feel light and free. This is the peace. The storm around me settles and I am able to walk to Him in total abandon. My feet tread over my problems just as Peter's did over the water and I am calm again. I am home.
God is not a God of disorder, but of Peace. Which is why through the chaos I can still smile. My hope rests in Him. I question a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure is that He loves me deeply beyond my understanding. He's brought me through the wreckage before, saved me from impossible circumstances and this time is no different. When my eyes are fixed on Jesus my troubles seem so small in the light of eternity.
People say to me "You are so strong" but I'm not. I do not function out of my own strength. Sometimes it's a struggle just to get out of bed, but I am surviving on Agape Love. I am being filled with supernatural strength, hope, and joy that brings peace to my weary soul. So when my boat starts rocking and the storm is threatening to destroy me I quietly remind myself "peace" and though I am not strong my God is.
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